winter

confession.



i hate being seen and/or recognized
in public by people that i have not seen recently,
because it hurts too much knowing that
they can see from my appearance how
much i let myself go.
  • Current Music
    "finally moving" - pretty lights
winter

(no subject)



it scares me to think
what my method would be
what would i do
how would i do it
& it scares me even more
when i know.
  • Current Music
    "glósóli" - sigur rós
winter

(no subject)



i wish that living did not hurt so much,
because i do not have it in me to make it stop forever.
my weakness prevails,
so i will continue to keep on wishing.
& hurting.
constantly.
& i will continue to keep on living a lie,
because i am not the same
& everyone is gone.
& everyone is a stranger.
& i will continue to not know myself
& anyone else.
everything
is disconnected & disassociated & there is nothing
substantial to hang on to.
truths are fabrications & dreams are not destinies.
escaping is not the same. this high is not the same,
but this hurt
progresses & all that is left to feel
is thisisitthisisitthisisitthisisitthisisitthisisit.
i never thought that i would know
what it feels like to be hopelessly alone inside of myself.
  • Current Music
    "atmosphere" - joy division
winter

(no subject)



i sent my brother a luminescent cerulean envelope & notecard
today with the following sentence inscribed in ultra fine black ballpoint pen ink:


if i am dead to you, at least give me a reason why.


it was the most cathartic thing i can remember doing.
since,
ever.
  • Current Music
    "fields, shorelines and hunters" - m83
winter

(no subject)



i hate feeling this alone. i struggle through music. there
are certain songs & they define what my soul is thinking. songs
are memories. memories are all that i have left.
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i wish that my brother and i were not strangers. i want to
know more about him besides that his birthdate is june 17, 1985 &
that he works as a security guard at a hotel & he has a friend
named sean & he subscribes to national geographic &
he does not have many possessions except for clothing, television,
electronic equipment, car, desk, laptop, & money. when
i look at him & he tells me nothing save for leavemethefuckalone,
i cannot help but feel sadness instead of rage.

it is the disconnection i never wanted.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i am happiest when i am connected to other people.
i have to dream of it happening. though.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  • Current Music
    "yawny at the apocalypse" - andrew bird
winter

(no subject)




Photobucket

i have not gotten high in over a month.
i want to live. & i want to create.
instead.
  • Current Music
    "konstantine" - something corporate
winter

(no subject)




i love music because it is the most
intangible thing that makes me
feel the most tangible things.
  • Current Music
    "the whale song" - modest mouse